Air Horns Should Never Be Sold

Sorry for my long leave of absence. Omega has been yelling at me to blog for months now. I’ve been too busy studying, partying, sexing, and academic probationing.
Recently I went to my little brother’s graduation. He graduated from high school and, well, I’m honestly surprised. After my mother was pulled over in his car and subsequently arrested for trafficking marijuana, I honestly did not think he’d be living. Yeah, you read correctly. My little brother’s drug problem got my mother arrested. But that’s beside the point. Omega and I were sitting there watching the graduation. We both graduated from the same high school, but three years previous. We saw how our future was laid out before us. These children will run this country after us, and I could only think one thing: we’re fucked.

I know, it sounds pretentious of me to say that I’m better than an entire graduating class, but I am stating it here. With more than five valedictorians in this class, I am eager to see many of them turn to binge drinking and drugs in their first year of college. That’s not even the worse part. I was just amazed at the number of air horns in the stadium. What the fuck? Is yelling and cheering because your child graduated really going to make them succeed more? Does that make those many missed baseball games or dance recitals all okay? Does cheering louder and being obnoxious during a ceremony meant to usher them into college really going to make those bruises (physical and emotional) go away? No, fucktards. This isn’t the end of the line. If they only graduate from high school, NEVER cheer them on. You’re supposed to promote them and foster their abilities, no say “yay, you made it this far, I’m super proud of you”. Say something meaningful like, “you better get to college and not fuck up by getting an art degree”. Also, I may have still been in my shell when I graduated from high school, but I could write better speeches than those idiots. Even the faculty had subpar things to say. I just hope I can speak at my graduation so I can say what needs to be said.

Something like this: “I know many of you will be leaving this field today with your family rejoicing. That’s fine. Have your parties and celebrations. Four years of hard work have really paid off. But keep in mind, a successful person does not just do four years of hard work and then hope everything comes easily, they keep working. Many of you will realize that your classes taught you nothing. That’s to be expected. Our school systems suck and need improvement. But don’t look back and say there’s nothing you can do. Fix it. How? Not with what you learned in the classroom, but what you learned from me. From him. From her. From the people you meet on a daily basis. Even a person you met only once. Those are where you will learn problem solving skills and necessary facts. But you will never get that kind of education in a class. You need to live college, not just attend it.”

That’s just part of a speech I just made up. You get the point. Alpha out.

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
- Peter De Vries